This Mother's Day

Childbirth isn't easy; it is filled with pain, uncertainty, fear, excitement, exhaustion, and love. Despite the awesomeness of its occurrence, the change that it forces upon women-mothers- the physical and mental shift in wholeness and awareness, despite all of this, women continue to lay upon beds, sit in tubs, etc in order to bring into the world the little creatures who they have created. Birthing a child takes an extraordinary amount of strength, passion, love, inner steel, and faith, and so would seem to be the most difficult job one could ever have. However, it is not. In fact, it is nowhere close to the most difficult role a mother can face in the life of her child. The most difficult job is not providing your child an entrance into our world from your womb, but rather it is providing your child with an exit from our world into the unknown.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to watch a woman who, stoic and strong, brushed her daughter's hair from her face, wiped the sweat from her daughter's brow, and repeated a mantra of undying love into her daughter's ear. Her daughter, frail and forty, tucked in to sheets and covered in oxygen masks and medications designed to alleviate her pain, was leaving her, leaving us. This mother grasped at the few moments she was given and held them dear, held them tight, and, despite being surrounded by wounded cries and loss, was a mother- she cared for her child, held her child, hoped for her child, all the while acting the part of the strength in her child's world. That role so quickly reprised, mother to child, caretaker of a swaddled infant, a swaddled woman. 

To watch this mother relive those moments of forty years past was a privilege and a sight so vulnerable that I had to look away for fear of tarnishing the precious, precious moments the two were sharing as this woman's daughter stole her last breaths. To think that this mother had always seen her light go out long before her daughter's, that she had planned on having her daughter brush her hair back, wipe the sweat from her brow, and whisper "I love you" in her ear, and now, now...now she had to fight the innate urge to battle the force tearing the life from her child and, instead, help her child walk the path to where the light ends. 

For the last few hours of her daughter's breaths, this mother dampened, folded, and held a wet cloth to her daughter's face and neck, "Here, my darling, this will help, this will make you fel better." For hours. For the last few hours of her daughter's breaths, this mother held her tongue and her place while others from her daughter's life borrowed some of that precious time. For hours. For the last few hours of her daughter's breaths, this mother questioned every decision she had ever made, every word she had ever spoken, every smile she had ever held back, and asked herself if she could ever forgive herself for any of them. For hours. 

She took to the corner while her daughter's spouse cried and held her tight. She took to the corner while her daughter's best friend held them all aloft with her strength. She took to the corner when I whispered my thanks to her daughter for allowing all of us to share this time, this love, and this pain with each other. She took to the corner. At no point in a mother's life does she expect to slide out of the way and let someone else take the reigns...but this mother did. Despite the agony of relinquishing those moments to others, others who had known her daughter a mere moment compared to a lifetime, despite the torture of knowing that her hand may not be the last one her daughter felt holding for love, this mother took to the corner and did what the most passionate mothers do for their children...she shared with the world the greatest gift she could afford - her daughter. All of us in that room, in those last few hours, owe to this mother a debt of love for having been among the few to receive the gift of time from a mother who had so little of it left to share.

On this Mother's Day, it is this mother's moments that will be at the forefront of all that is maternal and true. Her first Mother's Day no longer as the mother of a beautiful, brilliant, living woman, but as the mother of an ethereal, ingenious, eternal memory. She is an inspiration to all of us who have people in our lives who refer to us as "Mom" or "Momma" or "Mommy" or "Ma". She has shown me that, truly, a mother's love is selfless and all-encompassing, it is gracious and strong, it is the backbone of any moment in time, and it is endless. 

On this Mother's Day, I think if my mother, my grandmothers, and all of the mothers I have in my life and hope that they have had (or had) the blessing of seeing, in themselves or others, the true spirit of motherhood the way in which I saw it in the grace and poise this mother held while she whispered good-bye to her daughter. I know that her daughter felt that love in those last touches and whispers of kisses and I know that she still basks in it their glow, wherever she may be. 

On this Mother's Day, I thank her - through many, many tears - for showing me what it means to be a mother. Childbirth. Holding hands. Final breaths. String heart, strong hands, strong souls. Forever. 

Finally, A Little Time for a Lot of Thanks.

I know I am not alone in the fact that there is never enough time to do all that needs to get done, so I know that most folks will believe me when I say that this is truly the first time I have had in over three weeks to sit down and jot down my thoughts. I have found a reason to be thankful every day this month, even during those days wherein there didn't seem to be anything worth being grateful for other than that the day would end. I hope that I remember to try harder to do this year round, every season, because my heart and soul are so much fuller knowing that, daily, I can wrap myself up in the warmth of the opportunities, privileges, family, friends, and love that I have in my life. So, my friends, here are the last 24 days of my 30 days of thanks...all in one, complete, relatively short list. :-)

Day 7 - I am thankful for the opportunities that my kids have available to them and the adults in their worlds who facilitate these great adventures. As I sat in and helped the Ditto strings teacher record her students' six weeks' test performances, I realized that not only is Taidhgin (this year and Eibhlin next) so fortunate to be able to try his hand at violin this year, he is truly privileged to get to work with a teacher who so clearly loves her students and truly, truly wants them to love and embrace their music and all it has to offer them.

Day 8 - I am not sure which made me happier today...spending the morning with the Ditto Dashers or watching my kids be so involved with their Busho Kai family at night. They started and ended their day with friends, fun, exercise, and love...is there any other way to do it?

Day 9 - Today was a day in which I respected my body and its abilities more than I have in a long time. And, in doing so, I recognized once again just how fortunate I am to have a body that will bend, for the most part, to my will and do well in doing so.

Day 10 - Lazy Sundays at home are a rare treat in our world. We had one today. It was divine.

Day 11 - Today my oldest son told me that if I were a daughter of a goddess, I would be the daughter of either Hera or Aphrodite...because I am in charge of everything and am beautiful. Thank you, Taidhgin. <3 .="" p="">
Day 12 - Chess Club Tuesdays. Taidhgin stays after for chess and so I get to spend some alone time with my middle children, both of whom tend to get lost occasionally. We don't ever do anything magical (basically we hit Kroger and get gas and maybe pick up the mail, all before we head on over to get Uilleam), but I don't typically get time with just the two of them and they are such different people when given the chance to be themselves and not Taidhgin's youngers or Uilleam's olders. I know I won't get time like this with them always, so I am thankful for our Chess Club Tuesdays while they last.

Day 13 - I am so thankful for Spring Creek Spirit Night! Great rolls, food for everyone, unlimited sides, and free kids' dinner coupons on the way out...never mind the fact that it means I don't have to cook!

Day 14 - See Day 13. Did I mention that they break it up, K-3 one night and 4-6 the next? SWEET!

Day 15 - With 75% of us down for the count, I am thankful for great subs who will take my classes last minute, great kids who will take whatever medicine I need to give, and great sleep when my body has decided to check out for the night.

Day 16 - I can count on both hands the number of times that Aaron and I have gone out without kids since Taidhgin was born over 10 years ago. Tonight was one of those nights and it was fabulous. We had a great dinner out with dear, dear friends- a much needed night out without our charming children. Thank you, Kidspark, for being a place that all of my children are thrilled to visit!

Day 17 - IKEA is a great place to take 5 children for fun and shopping. Seriously. I would like to thank my Swedish friends for providing me with a place to go with five children in tow that is not only productive, but fun and nutritious as well!

Day 18 - Uilleam is absolutely one of the best things going on in my world. Every Monday, he and I run around and kill time while the older three are in their Art Smart class. We head to Aldi, to Kroger, to (fill in the blank with whatever store we need to hit that day), and we get to hang out together. He is funny, so damn funny. He get his "chips" at Aldo and talks to the checker there, telling her how he is helping me shop and how he will pay for my groceries if I don't have the change (it only happened once!). He tells me about his day ("I played with my friend, Ford"), he tells jokes (Knock, Knock. Who's there, Uilleam? Cow. Cow who?  Cow says MOOOOOO), he pats my face and tells me he loves me and that I am the best. Then he tells me we need to head back to Art Smart and "'get the kids".

Day 19 -  I am so thankful for the girls of GNO. We have met once a month for over 5 years and, though many faces have come and gone, there is a small core of women who come out every month to sip a glass of wine, have a dinner, share some laughs (or tears, depending on our lives!), and provide each other - me - with a touchstone that helps keep us grounded.

Day 20 - Some days the thing I am most thankful for is that the day went as well as it could, ended in something other than tears and bloodshed, and did not involve a baseball bat, the police, or a lawyer. Today was one of those days. Thank you for ending when you need, 20 November.

Day 21 - For the first time in five years, I was able to head over to Ditto to share in the Thanksgiving Feast offered at my kids' lunches. When I asked all three Ditto kids if they wanted me to come, each of them gave me their own twist on the same story- absolutely yes, they wanted me to come...but they understood if I couldn't because of work. It damn near broke my heart that all of them, even my 6 year old, felt compelled to tell me how they understood that work trumps school lunches. I hemmed and hawed and finally spoke to my boss about being able to go...and cannot thank her enough for having let me go, mid-day, to spend some lunch time with my kids. My three Ditto kiddos were SO happy that I was there...though I think I was the happiest of them all.

Day 22 - Early bedtimes are absolutely worth their figurative weight in gold. Fridays are nonstop from 3:20 until I pass out cold, so to be able to pack it in before 11 and actually get some good, solid sleep is absolutely something about which to be truly thankful.

Day 23 - Running. I am so thankful for running. With all that we do in our house, running is one of the only things that we can do as a family. I am so grateful that the Ditto track club got us into it and that my husband and my kids are such willing participants...even when it's C.O.L.D. The time we spend together at these runs is collaborative and supportive, loving and free; for a few short hours, we get to be each other's biggest cheerleaders (and toughest competition). Running has made us the absolutely unstoppable team that we are.

Day 24 - Productivity makes me happy. We were so productive around the house today that I am fairly certain I will be smiling well into 2014. I cannot begin to explain how grateful I was to have the day to get done so many little things that would have otherwise been dismissed ... probably forever.

Day 25 - Connlaodh has found a sport all his own: wrestling. He loves it, even though he gets his ass handed to him more often than not (in his defense, as they wrestle comparable size and not comparable age, he is being put up against 10-12 years olds instead of other 6 year olds...against someone his own age, he'd rock it!). Honestly, his love despite loss is one of the reasons I am so glad he got involved with it. He is getting better with each practice and he wants to go. This sport is his and his alone, and it is awesome to see him smile and thoroughly enjoy his time on the mat, in the zone.

Day 26 - I love my crockpot and what comes out of it (usually). Crockpot chili and pasta makes my life easier. Make my kids full. And makes dinner a cinch, which is very important on days like today where the world is spinning out of control. Thank you, dear Crock Pot, for saving my kids' diet at least once a week.

Day 27 - OMG. The house is clean! Yes, ladies and gents...clean! The kids were gone for the day and Aaron and I got to clean everything, including the fans. Thankful, so thankful, for a clean home...I know it won't be this way in 24 hours, but, for right now, I plan on enjoying every second of it.

Day 28 - The turkey was done just right, the sweet potatoes were delish, the kids all got along well, the house remained intact, and my house was full of friends and family. It was, in its intent and its end, exactly what Thanksgiving should be.

Day 29 - I am thankful that my 8 year old daughter knows how and where I like the Christmas decorations placed; instead of giving directions that I have to hope she will follow- ha!-she and I can work side by side, together, singing carols and checking the lights, thoroughly enjoying each other's company.

Day 30 - In saving the best for last, it seems I also saved the most concise for the end, as well...I am thankful for both the gift of today and the gift of hope that there is a tomorrow. I am truly blessed, in every definition of the word, to be given these gifts.

Here's to a tomorrow as wonderful and new and ready to challenge me as was today. Here's to a tomorrow filled with the insight of my children and the love of my family. Here's to a tomorrow that continues to remind me that what I have, all that I have, is so much more than what I deserve and to do anything other than fully embrace what has been placed in my hands and heart is nothing short of intolerable.


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I am Goldilocks.

DAY SIX - 6 November 2013

The kids went to bed before I had a chance to talk to them about what they were thankful for today, so prepare yourself for a double dose of insight and hilarity tomorrow!

Given that the kids are asleep, the chores are (more or less done), and it's only 10 (ergo, I might get a decent night's sleep!), I am going to make it short and sweet tonight. To be honest, sometimes elaboration does little more than devalue that about which you're speaking anyway, and I don't want that to happen tonight.

Did you ever have one of those days so benign that it was damn near perfect? Just like Goldilocks, I found today to be just right. It wasn't stress free, it wasn't easy, and it sure wasn't filled with all sorts of fun, but I had great talks with my kids on the way to school, a productive meeting at work, some good parking lot talk with a friend, read with my 1st grader, laughed with my 2 year old, studied with my 4th and 5th graders, chit-chatted with the husband, and made "matching sock" plans with the girls I am running with on Saturday. I saw the sun rise over the lake, watched the air clear of humidity and fog, and heard some Chili Peppers on the radio at school today.

Everyone should have at least a day or two a week that start well, go relatively smoothly, and end with a smile. I am so thankful to have had one of those today...and only hope that I don't have to wait too long for the next one!

Ice Cream Cones Aren't Cold...They're Yummy.

DAYS FOUR AND FIVE - 4 - 5 November 2013

Taidhgin: I am thankful for school because otherwise I'd be a dumb person. I am also thankful for my friends because otherwise I'd be alone ...

Eibhlin: I am thankful for books because they keep me happy when I am bored and don't have anything to do. I am thankful for pictures, too...they help me think of my family.

Connlaodh: I am thankful for the tv because on the weekends we get to watch tv. I am also thankful for you (Mom), because otherwise I wouldn't be able to eat dinner.

Uilleam: I like ice cream cones because ice cream cones are good. They're not cold, they're yummy. I like lions and elephants. Because it's cool. They're not sad, they're funny.

Ice cream cones are yummy and lions and elephants are funny. What more do you need to know? I think we can go ahead and just put it out there that I grateful every day to have these little moments of genius in my life. These kids of mine have life all figured out, don't they? Friends and family are important, books and school are important, food is important, and smiling is important. I honestly believe they've covered it all. Without food, family, knowledge, sustenance, and a reason to smile, what reason is there to be? It is interesting how the things they are grateful to have in their world so easily remind me of what everyone should be grateful for, regardless of age. I cannot wait to see what they think about tomorrow.

As for me, I spent most of my night last night watching my kids at their different activities. First we had art class and then, just for Connlaodh, we had wrestling. As I sat there watching Connlaodh tackle this sport he's never played, I realized just how awesome it is that our kids are growing up so interested in all that is new, different, and exciting. They are willing to go anywhere, try (almost) anything, eat (almost) anything, talk to anyone, and just live every moment at 100%. They are at a point in their lives where anything is possible, mean is for adults, and playing a sport/participating in an activity is fun no matter how well you perform. I am so grateful for the openness of their hearts and minds and up can only hope that they continue to see life as an adventure to be embraced and a challenge to enjoy and master.

And what about today? Today I have spent a lot of time thinking about my body and how fortunate am to have the one that I do. Not because it's awesome to look at, though I hope one day to be thankful for that, too- ha!- but because it works and works well. Every day it runs for me, works out for me, cooks for me, rushes around for me, lifts and bends for me, breathes for me...and all without complaint. When I wanted it to, it carried children for me; when I needed it to, it birthed them. I have abused this vessel inside and out, treated it worse than anything else in my life, and yet every day it bends to my will as best as it can. Not everyone has this luxury; I know of too many for whom running is impossible, carrying children is a dream, and rushing around is a nightmare. So on days like today where I was nursing a sore bunion after my run, I have to be thankful for that being the worst of my ailments. And, in gratitude, I am now going to treat this persevering body of mine to some Halloween candy that I stole from the kids. Shhh...

A Little Extra Time for the Little Things

DAY THREE - 3 November 2013

Taidhgin: I am thankful for Sundays because sometimes I don't have to do anything on Sunday...like today.

Eibhlin: I am thankful for my mom because when I don't want to do stuff around the house, she asks me to go grocery shopping with her and I'm like, "Yeah, sure." She gets me out of the stuff I don't like!

Connlaodh: I am thankful for Uilleam again because I get to play with him.

Uilleam: My birthday cake makes me happy.

It is all about the little things; my kids absolutely know this better than I do, that's for sure. A day off, a trip to Kroger, playing outside, and cake are all things that we can take for granted, dismiss easily, ignore altogether- but not my kiddos, not today. Today those were the things that made them smile, allowed them to breathe, and for which they were grateful. An interesting little side note to this is that Taidhgin spent the better part of the day raking leaves and helping Aaron with the lawn: his world must be pretty freaking crazy if hours upon hours of lawn maintenance is perceived as a day "off"! Also, I would like it noted first that Uilleam's birthday isn't for another three months, so I am not sure where that little slice of thought came from. Also, please know that while cake may make Uilleam happy, eating it does not. I don't think that boy has ingested a piece of cake ever, at least not willingly. Wait, I take that back. He did like the cheesecake we had the other night. Smart boy.

What am I thankful for today? The extra hour for (whatever!) that I got today. We had no plans, no obligations, and no schedule...so today was all about the little things, the house things, the nothings. I spent hours dehydrating fruit, folding clothes, washing clothes, making meals, grocery shopping, helping with Christmas lists (spelling does count, you know), and doing whatever. We sure don't get enough days like this during the year, so when one comes along, we take full advantage. I got to spend a little time with everyone today, a little one on one with each of my kiddos, and spent the day in yoga pants, a run shirt, and sporting a ponytail. The little things. They count. And without them, the rest of it would be too much.