I am nearing the end of my summer break and have spent the last week or so losing my mind…partially because of the thought of going back to work, a little because I accomplished nearly nothing of what I had planned on getting done this summer, but mainly because I have had the privilege of spending my summer in the company of other women- my friends and family- and have realized that no matter what the details of our lives may be, we are all truly screwed in the same way. How could this be? Surely the life of the stay at home mom who has a maid is not in any way similar to the mom of two, one of whom is often sick. And surely the life of a mother of three (who has a home zoo on top) is not at all parallel to the life of the mother of one whose home is impeccably clean….
I know it sounds implausible, nay, it sounds CRAZY to think such a way…but, my friends, it is true. All of these women share so many common issues, concerns, angers, tears, that when I actually realized the truth of our lives, I was dumbfounded. I must thank all of them- those who I have seen, those to whom I have spoken on the phone, those to whom I have only heard from via e-mail…all of them. Every last one of these incredible women has shaped my current insanity…but I feel it is my current state that will lead to the clarity necessary to continue living with my hair still attached to my head.
Let me preface the following with a statement of fact: this is not a direct attack on anyone (so many dads are just so sensitive...). What follows is, instead, feelings and thoughts that I saw common among nearly all the mothers I had contact with this summer. For better or for worse, whether shooting straight or embellishing on their own plights, these mothers shared stories and had discussions that seemed to hit the nail on the head in the lives of so many others. I feel it is my duty to share what I have learned this summer from these honest women, for, as unproductive as it was around my house, it was truly productive in terms of my bonds to and relationships with the women in my life. So thank you all…and here are the top ten nuggets of insight with which you have helped to enlighten me:
1. WHO SAID I NEEDED SAVING?
Not every woman wants to be saved by their husband/partner; most just want enough alone time to be able to save themselves. In other words, find some other way to boost your own ego.
2.ALONE TIME MEANS TIME FOR ME, NOT MORE TIME FOR CHORES.
Getting a break is more than being able to go to the grocery store alone; getting a break is more than having the children watched in another room whilst one folds clothes in the bedroom….getting a break means being given the chance to put one’s self (and one’s “other life”- work, etc) first.
3. NOT TONIGHT, DEAR.
Sex is not the magic salve for a broken daytime relationship; in fact, pushed too far and it may be catalyst for a permanent break.
4. WATCH THE KIDS WITH YOUR EYES, NOT THE REMOTE.
Watching the kids does not mean playing on the computer/watching the TV/eating/scratching your ass until one of the kids breaks something which allows you to scream and “discipline” them; watching the kids means being an active and PROACTIVE participant in their world.
5. AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAT ASS?
If going to the gym is not a lot of fun for someone to begin with, then going to the gym with one, two, three children in tow is an unprecedented misery. So no, honey- I am not going to the gym to lose my baby weight. YOU take the kids along and lose the inner tube you currently sport (and for which you have no excuse). I will stay home, clean the house, and relish the productive minutes of my life in silence. Wait, what? It would be a pain in the ass for you to bring the kids to your man-sanctuary of sweat and dumbbells? Aww, shucks, honey. That’s too bad.
6. SUCK IT UP, SUPERMAN.
Women don’t like it when their partners portray themselves as super-dads and then proceed to hand the baby/child directly back to “mom” as soon as the baby/child becomes an inconvenience to the eating, sleeping, or whatever other activity the dad would like to embark upon. Stop blowing smoke up the ass of whomever it is you are trying to impress and just hold the damn kid so I can finish a meal while it’s still warm. Thank you.
7. SO YOU MAKE MORE MONEY THAN ME, SO WHAT.
Please don’t use the excuse that your paycheck is bigger than ours (and therefore more necessary) to justify your increasingly longer hours and your inability to carry your own child-rearing weight once you get home. If you really feel that money is the problem, then believe me, we can do without- I’d rather have you home with me and the kid(s) than have a nicer couch in the living room. However, if you just don’t want to have to take responsibility for your kid(s), then we have bigger problems than how much money is coming in every week.
8. BE PROACTIVE.
No one likes to have to give orders all day long. Take a look around the house and see if there’s anything that you can help with…take out the garbage, put the clothes away, water the plants, anything. These are all responsibilities of all adults who have a home and family, not just the women who live in these homes. And if you really want to know why we’re pissed, it’s because you left your garbage on the table for three days and only cleaned it up because the three year old commented on it, and because you walked by your nasty underwear (which are laying in the sink in the guest bathroom) no less than 15 times and STILL did not put them in the wash. Get a grip, my friend…your mother is no longer here to clean up behind you and I sure as hell am not picking up where she left off.
9. YOU KNOW, MY PLANS CAN CHANGE, TOO.
We all know that life in the business world can change quickly and that meetings are scheduled, cancelled, etc on a whim sometimes. However, how is it that this happens so rarely to the moms and so often to the dads? Dads, let me tell you what it says when you call home at your normal arrival time only to say that, oops, your plans have changed and now you will be two hours late. It says that you have not at all considered the dinner mom has made, the activities planned already for that afternoon, that mom may have work to do, as well, etc. In fact, this phenomenon is a symptomatic manifestation of problem #7, because if MOM did the same thing, there would be hell to pay. Try to realize, dad, that just because you are oh-so-needed at work does not mean that you are NOT needed at home. You might want to check that list of priorities and make sure that the right ones are marked URGENT.
10. IF YOU CALL ME AGAIN, I WILL CANCEL MY DAMN CELL PHONE NUMBER.
When you DO finally let me get out of the house without much argument and fuss and actually DO allow me to have some adult time with friends and colleagues, DO NOT call me every 5 minutes to try to guilt me into coming home. GROW UP. Deal with your kid(s) on your own--- I do it EVERY day.
There were many more topics of conversation that shared space in the minds and hearts of my friends and family, but the above ten were the ones that repeated again and again. They came up so often that I have to wonder just how far from the truth they are in the lives of these women. I know there are people who will read this and truly believe that I and the women of whom I speak are nothing but a bunch of man-bashers who can't be happy with anything. I can assure you that this is not the case...for so often these topics came up amidst tears and those tears were streaming from the eyes of women who had a much different vision in their heads of what it would be like to bring a child into the world with the men they love.
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