Posted by Request

This has nothing to do with the Three Musketeers; this fact is one that is sure to delight some of you and I would imagine you are aching for a commercial break in the pro-children soapbox. Ha!

Here is an e-mail I sent out yesterday, posted by request. Do with it what you will (but don't send it back to me, please! I am liable to comment on it again and I am not sure I can keep my responses PG next time).

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I actually received this e-mail at least a dozen times over the course of a week or so…it is funny, but in dire need of a response J. If anything makes you laugh, just remember it’s because you know what I am talking about- ha ha. If you haven’t seen the “rules” yet, they are what’s written in gray.

THERE'S A NEW SET OF RULES NOW!!
Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
Do women actually get mad about this? I don't know of any who do. I know many, however, who get mad at the drippage on the lid and/or inside the rim after the man in their house has visited his “throne”.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Hell, I am hardly ever thinking of you. What do I care?

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Whew! I hate it, too...especially when it's shopping for something that has no bearing on reality....computer parts, big screen TV's, stereo components necessary for the loud parties we never have, etc.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Wish I could say the same in return.

1. Crying is blackmail.
Well, so stop doing it then! No one likes to see a grown man asking for Kleenex.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work
Strong hints do not work
Obvious hints do not work
Just say it!
Then the next logical question is...if I say it, provide you with explicit directions on how to do it, and also provide you with a reasonable deadline in which it needs to be done, why is it still screwed up?

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
We don't remember either, so please refrain from getting mad the next time we forget that your poker night is this week and have made other plans for us that will prevent you from attending.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Yup. I.e., "Honey, want to fool around?" NO. “Is it me?” YES.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Nobody asked you for either. I didn't come to you with a problem, you harassed me into telling you one. I just didn't want to talk to you.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
In this case, perhaps lawyer is more appropriate.

1. Check your oil! Please.
I did. I changed it, too...not like you would know since you haven't left the couch since yesterday.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
This rule applies to me, too, right? Because though I said ok to boy's night out last week, I am changing my mind now. According to your rule, last week's response never even existed.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Ewww...who wanted that? How about simply acting like someone who follows the larger of their two brains...or are you already? Because that would explain SO much.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
I have yet to hear anything uttered from your mouth for which multiple interpretations were possible; I will worry about that particular dilemma when we reach the complex sentence structure stage of our conversations.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
It sure is. So no, I didn't see you make that basket/touchdown/hole in one/whatever, dear...I was busy following my genetic pre-disposition to “ogle”…and damn, he’s hot.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
I am pretty sure I do already...then you come along and jack it all up.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.
Believe me, I did. Can you?

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Well, now that explains what you wore to work today.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
Feel free...just please refrain from using my kitchen utensils as aids in this endeavor unless YOU are going to clean them.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
Fortunately for you, I am really not all that concerned about how much you care. I figure if you didn't at all, I would be being served papers.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
Duly noted. Rest assured that you can often apply the same theory (know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.) to “Was it good for you, honey?” “Yes, dear”.

1. I'm in shape. -ROUND is a shape.
I believe the term you’re looking for here is sphere. You did pass 10th grade math, right?